Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
