What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
