You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
