just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
