Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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