by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
