Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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