i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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