There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
