I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
