your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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