How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
