i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
