Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
