Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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