the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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