im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
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my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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