I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
