Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
