At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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