Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
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