Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You took a bar mat shot.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
