You can't special order awesome
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize