ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
