So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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