This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
