I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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