Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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