hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
