My hand turned me down
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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