Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
