my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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