It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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