Soap is not a condiment
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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