i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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