My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Randomize
