Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
