Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I smell stomach acid.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it's like iHOP with fire
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
