my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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