so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I cannot find my penis.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
