I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
