I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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