Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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