sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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