I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
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We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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