WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
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so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
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think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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