I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
