my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
