yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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