I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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