My first STD was from a foam party
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
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we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.