I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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