OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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