I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
