I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
