I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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