Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Umm I'm too high to move.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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